Letting go of shame

Recently whilst browsing Facebook I've been surprised to receive 'Friend Requests' from school friends I have neither seen nor spoken to in years. People whose names I have largely forgotten and whose lives I have no exposure to or impact on. And yet, despite my (perhaps intentional) lack of memory, I have found myself on more than one occasion browsing their lists of friends, trying to remember the faces and names and wondering 'What are they up to these days?"

But this, in itself is neither a unique nor extraordinary experience. What makes me want to write about it is the feeling of anxiety and shame I feel as I look back on my experiences with these people and at the time when we knew each other. I am tortured by memories of shameful things I did, of a selfish and childish attitude that was dangerously introspective and the question "Would these people want to know me now? How do they remember me?" I have nightmares where individuals turn up in my present life, at work or home, and I still want to convince them that I'm worthwhile, that I'm a friend they should want to have.

Part of University life's advantage to me was an escape from a world where I always tried too hard and never really fit in, and the chance to be both eccentric and acceptable. But I fear the lack of peace I feel when I look back, means I have issues as yet unresolved. I need to make peace with myself over the things I feel so ashamed of. Perhaps that means facing up to the fact that I was young and naive and it's normal to have regrets. Surely another aspect as a follower of Jesus Christ is trusting his death has paid for even my worst behaviour and that I'm forgiven by trusting in him. But how do I forgive myself? How do I look back without that sinking feeling of self-loathing at a misspent and unhappy youth?

The flip side of this is that I am delighted to have a family in Christ, who do offer that acceptance and love, who forgive me freely in Jesus' name and who encourage me to see how gracious God is and valued I am by him. I'm also much more comfortable with who I am allowing me to build better relationships as I relate naturally with people around me. So I have many things to be thankful for and really love the fact that I've grown up. There is no part of me that desires the past, and there are few memories that make me nostalgic or wistful. I want to express my gratitude for the here and now, but also make peace with the past - a daunting, but necessary path I feel.

Rejoice in the Lord Always,

Rachel.